Perspective

Ever have a time when you suddenly realize that things were not quite what you thought they were? When someone you thought had just kinda written you off or didn't care thought the same thing about you. Sometimes we can all be guilty of not looking at things from anything but our own perspective, and often times we are not seeing the whole picture. When I realized that I had hurt someone and that they thought I didn't care about them I felt really devastated. I also felt really hurt that they never said anything. I was disappointed in myself because I feel like I should have made a better effort to stay in communication. But ultimately its a two way street and they didn't make the effort either. Though it could also be my hormones talking who knows. Sometimes we all feel a little needy and I know right now I am, and extremely sensitive. I am hoping that as hormone production moves more to the placenta I might feel a little bit less delicate.

Survivor's Guilt

I have a serious case of survivor's guilt. I am sure it is perfectly normal after dealing with IF you feel so awful for the people that are still fighting the battle. I have the hardest time even walking into my RE's office for fear that the women there will just know. When we were there last week we were checking out and the nurse practiotioner we saw announced that I needed to fill out a release so that all my info could be sent over to our OB. I cringed instantly as there was a couple standing at the counter checking in. I instantly remember the jealousy and dislike for prego's that I had (honestly STILL have) and I just feel sick at making anyone feel that way. I swear when I get to be noticably pregnant (hooray I said when not if) I want to wear a shirt in public that says pregnany after infertility with my loss and time ttc stats on it. Of course I wouldn't REALLY do that, but anytime women see me I don't want them to get that "bitch, why not me" feeling. Someone very dear to me is struggling right now through the trenches of ttc and has recently suffered a chemical pregnancy. The pain I feel for her and the joy I feel for myself are the most peculiar of conflicting emotions I have ever felt. My heart breaks for her each and every cycle. It still does, though now I feel so ill equipped to offer consolation...being on the "other side"...I worry I will seem patronizing (though I KNOW she doesn't feel this way and it's my baggage). I think about posting things here on what I thought was my IF blog and has now become the ramblings of a crazed pregnant post IF person. It's really such an odd feeling for me to know that regardless of what the future brings right this moment I have a little tiny being growing in my uterus.

Progress is progress

So it's been a weekish since our first ultrasound. While we are becoming more excited we are still scared shitless. I think back to the pure joy of my 1st pregnancy, the absolute naivete that came along with it. Oh how I wish that I could have that back. But the fear is part of the package and I'm guessing it won't end any time soon. I still over analyze every tiny little thing and pray that the tiny little heart is still beating inside me. Most loss happens between 6-8 weeks which is why the RE does an ultrasound at 7 & 9 weeks. After 9 weeks you have a much better idea of viability (and they told us this several times at our visit, which I am sure accounts for a fair bit of the anxiety). My nausea has lessened a bit which I feel very conflicted about, knowing how normal it is for symptoms to fluctuate it still makes me uncomfortable. I seem to also be having some wonderful hormone induced anxiety attacks (which I am prone to anyway) and have been trying very hard to relax and keep these in check. While the reality that we just might be having a baby in 7 months is starting to sink in we are just really anxious for 1st tri to be over. I am enjoying every moment of this pregnancy as much as possible and would never want to rush it along, however, the "safety" of 2nd tri holds so much allure it is impossible not to long for it. The time that I can actually say "pregnant" without feeling my stomach lurch, and "baby" without feeling like it's something sour I have to spit out. We have announced to family and they are all very excited. They of course want to know when we are planning on starting to shop, plan, etc. We don't really have that answer but hopefully after week 12 we can really feel like we're "safe".

156

That was our magic number yesterday! Coolest thing ever was hearing that tiny speedy heartbeat. I would say it made me cry, but the waterworks started as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. The little parasite has clearly been siphoning more than their fair share as it was measuring 7w6d a full 6 days ahead of schedule. We have another ultrasound in 2 weeks and will be starting to tell family. I will be spending the next roughly 10 days in El Paso with my mother and there is no WAY she wouldn't figure it out anyway so we figure no time like the present. It is so strange the this tiny little critter really is in there and growing, keep up the good work!

Possibilities

Today is full of hope and possibilities. Dreams that could explode to new heights or crumble come tomorrow. The day I've been waiting for since that little pink line showed up and now I completely want to skip out on. If I don't go that means I get to stay pregnant regardless of the outcome. I'm terrified of bad news tomorrow, and the last few days I've struggled to feel like there could be good news coming. All day I have been on the verge of tears thinking about how to keep my shit together when my world comes crashing down. Sure logically I KNOW the odds of good news outweigh the odds of bad. But again, I've been here before. The simple excitement that comes with the news you have created life doesn't exist for me anymore. Pregnancy has become something scary where disappointment can be just around the corner. A place where you can see you deepest desire at an arms length and then it just fades away. I know that now or in the future these feelings are part of the package that now comes with reproduction in my world. Expecting the worst will by no means make bad news any easier if it comes...but its the only defense I have.

The calm after the storm

For me getting a bfp has always felt a little like the calm after the storm. I stop charting bbt, checking dates to see when to start opk, trying to remember the number of days in between the last round of "trying". And then it all stops, and there is nothing left to do but pray it sticks. Nothing you can do at this point will change your outcome. At this point only 1 date matters to me, a special day (13 days from now) where we get our 1st hint at the chance that this is really it. In the calm after the storm I pray harder for our rainbow, I picture that tiny beating heart and pray more. During the last 2 weeks (seriously that's ALL it's been?!) I have been so nervous to think too much about the little womb dweller, the little parasite that I am gladly letting siphon off of my nutrients. Somehow I feel like acknowledging how much I want this will  make the universe take it from me. I have been over analyzing every teeny tiny thing. Are my boobs still sore? Not as sore as yesterday? Why didn't I feel nauseous today? Why don't I feel any pulling/cramping today? The list could go on and on and on. Though my body is changing and it's impossible to ignore. My weight hasn't budged, but I can't button my pants. My bra's don't fit. I'm beat. I'm starving. I'm queasy. Yes changes, but I have been here before and I am simply afraid of losing the love I have for something so tiny that can barely even be seen. Please let these next 13 days pass quickly, or I may just lose myself a little to the madness.

What's the happs?

Man the last week has been quite the whirlwind. After getting a bfp and actually believing that this is actually IT life has been pretty good. The symptoms are starting to creep in; boobs are killing me, sooo tired, and extremely regular nausea. Now trust me I am NOT complaining about any of this, at the moment it gives me a sense of comfort that the little crablet is in there growing away...I will save my bitching for the discomfort of third tri...but right now it just is, and it's awesome. I will have my progesterone checked again on Monday just to be sure levels are still looking good then 1st ultrasound on March 22 (why yes it IS an eternity away!).

This last week my puppy went to be spayed and she also had her very floppy rear dew claws removed. I feel a little badly saying this but I take great humor in watching her giant cone head run around the back yard. She also killed my old laptop this week and I have now gotten a new one. It is bringing with it a bit of transition as it is a PC and I have been using a MAC for about 4 years. At the moment I am regretting my choice, but I know it is really just a transitional period...I'll make it. This weekend work also starts on the pumpkin patch! So excited! This year we are putting in a raised bed and fencing it in (to keep the dogs out and therefore pumpkins uneaten). We are hopeful that everything we plant will be 2nd generation from the patch that we grew last year. If you knew us IRL then you would know that pumpkins hold a special place in our heart. Last year was the 1st time we were able to have our own patch and it was very special to me as I spent so much time working in it while working through the pain of pregnancy loss. It was really important to me to save those seeds and nurture them again this year in memory of that time. I guess that's all the jumble I have for today...Have a great weekend!