Ever have a time when you suddenly realize that things were not quite what you thought they were? When someone you thought had just kinda written you off or didn't care thought the same thing about you. Sometimes we can all be guilty of not looking at things from anything but our own perspective, and often times we are not seeing the whole picture. When I realized that I had hurt someone and that they thought I didn't care about them I felt really devastated. I also felt really hurt that they never said anything. I was disappointed in myself because I feel like I should have made a better effort to stay in communication. But ultimately its a two way street and they didn't make the effort either. Though it could also be my hormones talking who knows. Sometimes we all feel a little needy and I know right now I am, and extremely sensitive. I am hoping that as hormone production moves more to the placenta I might feel a little bit less delicate.
I have a serious case of survivor's guilt. I am sure it is perfectly normal after dealing with IF you feel so awful for the people that are still fighting the battle. I have the hardest time even walking into my RE's office for fear that the women there will just know. When we were there last week we were checking out and the nurse practiotioner we saw announced that I needed to fill out a release so that all my info could be sent over to our OB. I cringed instantly as there was a couple standing at the counter checking in. I instantly remember the jealousy and dislike for prego's that I had (honestly STILL have) and I just feel sick at making anyone feel that way. I swear when I get to be noticably pregnant (hooray I said when not if) I want to wear a shirt in public that says pregnany after infertility with my loss and time ttc stats on it. Of course I wouldn't REALLY do that, but anytime women see me I don't want them to get that "bitch, why not me" feeling. Someone very dear to me is struggling right now through the trenches of ttc and has recently suffered a chemical pregnancy. The pain I feel for her and the joy I feel for myself are the most peculiar of conflicting emotions I have ever felt. My heart breaks for her each and every cycle. It still does, though now I feel so ill equipped to offer consolation...being on the "other side"...I worry I will seem patronizing (though I KNOW she doesn't feel this way and it's my baggage). I think about posting things here on what I thought was my IF blog and has now become the ramblings of a crazed pregnant post IF person. It's really such an odd feeling for me to know that regardless of what the future brings right this moment I have a little tiny being growing in my uterus.