Today is full of hope and possibilities. Dreams that could explode to new heights or crumble come tomorrow. The day I've been waiting for since that little pink line showed up and now I completely want to skip out on. If I don't go that means I get to stay pregnant regardless of the outcome. I'm terrified of bad news tomorrow, and the last few days I've struggled to feel like there could be good news coming. All day I have been on the verge of tears thinking about how to keep my shit together when my world comes crashing down. Sure logically I KNOW the odds of good news outweigh the odds of bad. But again, I've been here before. The simple excitement that comes with the news you have created life doesn't exist for me anymore. Pregnancy has become something scary where disappointment can be just around the corner. A place where you can see you deepest desire at an arms length and then it just fades away. I know that now or in the future these feelings are part of the package that now comes with reproduction in my world. Expecting the worst will by no means make bad news any easier if it comes...but its the only defense I have.
This last week my puppy went to be spayed and she also had her very floppy rear dew claws removed. I feel a little badly saying this but I take great humor in watching her giant cone head run around the back yard. She also killed my old laptop this week and I have now gotten a new one. It is bringing with it a bit of transition as it is a PC and I have been using a MAC for about 4 years. At the moment I am regretting my choice, but I know it is really just a transitional period...I'll make it. This weekend work also starts on the pumpkin patch! So excited! This year we are putting in a raised bed and fencing it in (to keep the dogs out and therefore pumpkins uneaten). We are hopeful that everything we plant will be 2nd generation from the patch that we grew last year. If you knew us IRL then you would know that pumpkins hold a special place in our heart. Last year was the 1st time we were able to have our own patch and it was very special to me as I spent so much time working in it while working through the pain of pregnancy loss. It was really important to me to save those seeds and nurture them again this year in memory of that time. I guess that's all the jumble I have for today...Have a great weekend!
After writing the above this afternoon, I came home...caved and POAS. Amazingly my prayers have been answered and now I move on to praying that the 3rd time is the charm and that this little bug sticks with us. I have never been more in shock. While I may be new to blogland, I am not new to ttc or IF. This is an amazing blessing because without BFP I can never even have a shot at a rainbow baby. If you are the praying kind please send prayers my way and if not, positive energy.
I finally got around to listening to the webinar replay from the natural fertility challenge. It was supposed to be a "wrap up" but what it was mostly an advertisement for her *very expensive* natural fertility program that is A. REALLY expensive (4G) and B. You have to apply and be accepted for because "she wants to be sure that she can help you get pregnant before taking your money. Really to me it seems like she wants to be sure to keep her success rates high so she won't accept anyone she thinks won't be able to make it happen. The WORST part was that in all of that she mentions that she's only doing it once this year because she'll be taking MATERNITY LEAVE!! Really you advertise to infertile couples by "taunting them" with your pregnancy. Frankly, I wish I hadn't listened to this...it completely changed my opinion about her. I still feel like there was a lot of wonderful information in the fertility challenge but the webinar just really turned me off...but...maybe it was just me.
Day 12: Pest Control. Don't use poisonous chemicals to kill critters. While we don't really have much of a pest problem we employ the squish or puppy snack method. Totally non-toxic~
Day 13: The "Elixir of Life": any guesses as to what this is?! But not just any water, filtered water. Specifically you want a carbon filter that filters out far better than what we but at most stores and needs to be purchased from a specialty shop. Hm, I don't even know how to go about finding one of these. I do use a "standard" filter but apparently this isn't getting water clean enough. Must research!
Day 14 was just a recap of everything else...lame. So I will use this space to update you on the things that I have started doing differently since the beginning of this challenge. On day 1 of this challenge I started looking in to other "personal care" alternatives. Attempting not to put anything on my body that I wouldn't want IN my body. Our skin is our largest organ and everything we put on it goes IN. I have been "poo" (shampoo) free for 14 days. I have instead been using baking soda and water to clean my hair. My scalp is feeling better and now that my hair is adjusting it is looking much better. I had been using apple cider vinegar (diluted) to condition but it made my hair greasy. I am now using a mixture of strongly brewed tea infused with chamomile and rosemary, lemon juice, and honey. This has been working SO much better. Today is also day 14 of using honey as a facial cleanse and astoundingly I think it has made my skin look better and cleared up acne better than the expensive cleansers I've tried. I have been using coconut oil as moisturizer and have discovered that the puppy is completely obsessed with coconut oil and goes batshit crazy when she smells it.
In other news I had the labs re-drawn today (again!) for my thrombophilia panel that the lab can't manage to run properly so I am *hoping* to get the results by the end of the week. I will soon post the final installment of the natural fertility challenge as I had most of a post typed and somehow deleted it. OOPS! Hope you all have/had a LOVELY ;) day!
The Captain is really struggling the last few months with feeling inadequate. I hate that he feels this way, and don't know how I can help him not feel like it is "his fault". Really it is just as much "my fault"; but really it is no one's fault, it just IS.
I am really worried about how the puppy will do when I am not home with her nearly all the time. The old man has also gotten very used to my being home and I am very heartbroken to have to leave my doggies home and go off to work.
I wonder if I will O this cycle, I know often times with a cyst people don't. (I hate Mr. Hyde!!)
My brother and sis in law are already talking about having another baby. My niece is only 7 months old! My SIL recently deployed and will return in about 6 months. I am sure that she will be knocked up as soon as she comes back. I adore my niece and my SIL wants nothing to do with her, which is heartbreaking. I don't get why she wants another baby and I am just sure she'll probably get pregnant before me...again.
Day 5: The 4 fertility tests you probably don't know about. These were not a surprise to me and being that we had the FULL battery of IF testing done I figured we were pretty good on this front. To give you the rundown they: Thyroid function and thyroid antibodies, FSH, high vaginal swab and semen analysis. The only test that I have not had performed is the high vaginal swab. This is because our Dr believes that it is a waste of time and money and prefers to just treat prophylactically with antibiotics in the event that there is an infection underlying in either partner; including something that would be undetected by a vaginal swab.
Day 6: A simple test to do at home for your "thyroid". Now really this will not tell you if your thyroid is out of whack but it WILL tell you if you need more iodine in your diet. You use iodine to put a spot on your arm and wait to see how long it takes to fade. Don't wash it off or shower while waiting. I know that this test will likely show that I need more iodine, I have the "spot" on right now and will report back the results. If it takes less than 24 hours your need more iodine, more than or equal to your levels are good.
Day 3...What is the question you are asking yourself that could be hurting your fertility and what 3 questions should you be asking that may help your fertility. These boil down to why, what, who and how. We should NOT be asking ourselves why, we SHOULD be asking ourselves what, who, how. These seem rather self evident but it's always good to have a reminder. It is not going to do any good to ask (or whine) about the why. Why me, why do I have to do this, why is this so hard etc etc. It just is my reality and for the most part I have accepted that. I do sometimes wonder why I am not pregnant and the teen crack whore is but frankly it doesn't matter. There are not a certain number of pregnancies allowed in the world at 1 time...so someone else being pregnant does not affect my chances of pregnancy. Instead we "should" try and focus on what, who, how. What can we do to change where we are, how can we help ourselves be closer to our goals, who can help us get there. Lately I am trying to be more in the mindset of let's fix what we can then having the pity mobile pop by. This is of course a process and today's challenge has reminded me of it's importance. So here are the things that I am doing to try and focus on the what, how, who.
1. Daily fertility meditations
2. Eating a healthy diet/moderate exercise
3. Taking all the "pills" my RE recommends
4. Have finally secured full time employment to help save and pay for treatments
5. Seeing a top notch RE
6. Try to focus on other ways to make myself happy that I CAN control
7. I'm sure there are more BUT this is a good list for now.
Day 1 of the natural fertility challenge and our task is to clean out all the toxic household products and replace them with non-toxic natural products. About 2 years ago we switched to using all non-toxic cleaning products. I did still have a few things that I held on to for absolutely zero reason as I haven't touched them in 2 years. I was reminded today by the video that even just having those things in your home allows them to seep chemicals into the air that you breathe and slowly they poison you. I took the opportunity to clean out our "under sink area" and tossed everything that was just sitting in there and not being used. We now only have 1 toxic cleaning product, our stainless steel cleaner, because ALL of the natural options I have tried SUCK and we have all stainless in our kitchen. I did opt to store said cleaner in our garage which is detached and does not share air with our home. I am presuming that in the coming days the challenge will include doing the same with beauty products and switching to organics for edibles...both of which I have largely done but we'll discuss when those topics pop up.
Unfortunately we have also been diagnosed with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) along with our MFI (male factor infertility) and that coupled with my autoimmune disorder is certainly not making things easy. I will very likely soon be starting a delightful regime of prednisone to help my body not ward off any embryo that we DO manage to make. The breakdown of our chances for conception are rather abysmal:Naturally 1-3%, IUI 5-10%, IVF 35-50%...yeah even our chances with IVF are greatly reduced. Anyone have A LOT of money they aren't using that they want to send our way? I told dh that we should tell our families that if they want visitation that have to put down a cash deposit; it seems fair to me.
So basically the plan this month is the same as last, hopefully with better results. But I will call the Dr's office once the wicked bitch shows up and get "things" scheduled and in motion.
But then you slowly discover that the 2nd line doesn't always show up. In fact each cycle there is only a 25% chance that a "young" (we'll get to that later), healthy couple has about a 25% chance of conceiving each cycle. And that's with perfectly timed intercourse. WTF?! An egg and a sperm have 1 job in life and only manage to do it about 25%...or less...of the time. If I only showed up to work 25% of the time I would get fired! Besides that I have a much better work ethic than to only work a quarter of the time. Granted I spend plenty of time with other "distractions" BUT I digress. In reality the steps go a little more like this: 1. Toss your birth control 2. Hump like bunnies 3. Pee on a stick and see 1 sad lonesome line 4. Repeat step 3 daily 5. Get your #@$*!% period 6. Repeat step 3 claiming implantation bleeding. Now that is just the 1st cycle; after than you get a little more crazy. You claim you are letting nature take it's course all the while secretly peeing on OPK's to detect when your body decides to pop that glorious egg. Then you repeat all these steps...again and again and again.
The reality of TTC is so much different that I ever thought that it would be, and the longer your journey the harder it gets. You learn that your fertility starts to decline after the age of 20. You have the heartbreaking realization that a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean you get a baby; that not bleeding doesn't mean your pregnancy is healthy. Your heart breaks with every baby bump you see, every stroller that passes you on the street. The months tick by and you wonder what you ever did wrong that EVERYONE else is pregnant but YOU'RE not. First your sad, then you're angry, then you try and take control.