Today is full of hope and possibilities. Dreams that could explode to new heights or crumble come tomorrow. The day I've been waiting for since that little pink line showed up and now I completely want to skip out on. If I don't go that means I get to stay pregnant regardless of the outcome. I'm terrified of bad news tomorrow, and the last few days I've struggled to feel like there could be good news coming. All day I have been on the verge of tears thinking about how to keep my shit together when my world comes crashing down. Sure logically I KNOW the odds of good news outweigh the odds of bad. But again, I've been here before. The simple excitement that comes with the news you have created life doesn't exist for me anymore. Pregnancy has become something scary where disappointment can be just around the corner. A place where you can see you deepest desire at an arms length and then it just fades away. I know that now or in the future these feelings are part of the package that now comes with reproduction in my world. Expecting the worst will by no means make bad news any easier if it comes...but its the only defense I have.