Today is full of hope and possibilities. Dreams that could explode to new heights or crumble come tomorrow. The day I've been waiting for since that little pink line showed up and now I completely want to skip out on. If I don't go that means I get to stay pregnant regardless of the outcome. I'm terrified of bad news tomorrow, and the last few days I've struggled to feel like there could be good news coming. All day I have been on the verge of tears thinking about how to keep my shit together when my world comes crashing down. Sure logically I KNOW the odds of good news outweigh the odds of bad. But again, I've been here before. The simple excitement that comes with the news you have created life doesn't exist for me anymore. Pregnancy has become something scary where disappointment can be just around the corner. A place where you can see you deepest desire at an arms length and then it just fades away. I know that now or in the future these feelings are part of the package that now comes with reproduction in my world. Expecting the worst will by no means make bad news any easier if it comes...but its the only defense I have.
This last week my puppy went to be spayed and she also had her very floppy rear dew claws removed. I feel a little badly saying this but I take great humor in watching her giant cone head run around the back yard. She also killed my old laptop this week and I have now gotten a new one. It is bringing with it a bit of transition as it is a PC and I have been using a MAC for about 4 years. At the moment I am regretting my choice, but I know it is really just a transitional period...I'll make it. This weekend work also starts on the pumpkin patch! So excited! This year we are putting in a raised bed and fencing it in (to keep the dogs out and therefore pumpkins uneaten). We are hopeful that everything we plant will be 2nd generation from the patch that we grew last year. If you knew us IRL then you would know that pumpkins hold a special place in our heart. Last year was the 1st time we were able to have our own patch and it was very special to me as I spent so much time working in it while working through the pain of pregnancy loss. It was really important to me to save those seeds and nurture them again this year in memory of that time. I guess that's all the jumble I have for today...Have a great weekend!