Ravings of an infertile grump

I wish I knew so many things; primarily how hard it would be to get pregnant and carry a baby. How early in life it is possible to have your fertility rapidly decline. How painful it would be to want something more than anything else in all the world and have no control over getting it. That struggling to conceive would impact every single thing I you do every moment of every day. That my life would be lived in 2 week sections of time for well over a year. That an obsession I once found rather exciting now terrifies me. That I would develop a mild form of ptsd when it comes to ultrasounds.

 

Maybe these aren't all things that I WISH I knew, but they are sure as hell things I have learned (and oh so many more). Sadly, it's true that I have a panic attack every single time I have to have the vag cam done. Last year when we discovered during our 1st ultrasound that we had lost our wee one something in me changed. Something that I had looked so forward to became one of the most tragic events in my life. And now ever time I have to go in for the vag cam (which is A LOT when you are doing monitored cycles) my heart races, I can hardly breathe, I am nauseated and on the verge of tears. I used to be CRAZY excited to POAS (I know weird) but now on the mornings that I take hpt's I really do it more to prove to myself there is no cause for excitement or wondering. Up to this point I have always been an early "I HAVE to know!" tester. I'm not anymore...if I didn't HAVE to because of my need for prometrium I don't think I would EVER take another hpt. I think after 2 losses I am almost as scared for it to be BFP as BFN. There is no doubt that TTC has changed me, an not at all for the better. Some of you (if anyone is reading) may not have even known me before ttc, some of you may wonder why I have become the angry bitter person that I am (though certainly no one that has ever had trouble conceiving). Many of you may have infants, be pregnant or still be building your families. I pray that you have never known this pain, this overwhelming emptiness, the feeling a defeat and despair every single cycle when the bloody bitch rears her head.

 

I have developed a sick sense of who I feel "deserves" a child and who doesn't. I have people from both sides of that list in my life daily. Chances are that if you are reading this you are on my list of people that I deem worthy of your children (but know this certainly isn't a guarantee lol). I try so hard when I see people that are pregnant or have babies that I don't know to not hate them. Usually just seeing a pregnant belly at the store is enough to ruin my day. As much as I wouldn't wish this on anyone I can hardly stand that other people are pregnant and I'm not. How sick is that? I am so tired of people saying that once I have kids I will regret it and wonder why I tried so hard. Or even better that if I can't have kids that it means that it isn't God's will. Really? Because God looked at me and decided I would be such a horrible mother that he rendered me infertile and/or took my babies when they were only weeks inside me. Or that God always decides when the perfect time is? Really? Is that why a meth junkie can have 3 perfectly healthy beautiful babies and I have none because it was the perfect time for her to get knocked up and let yet another addicted little baby be born to a mother than didn't want it. Oh no wait...I'm supposed to relax right; take a vacation?! Yes because somehow vacation will miraculously rejuvenate my ovaries, get rid of my autoimmune disease and change the size and shape of The Captain's swimmers. Oh don't waste all that money that way, you can buy a new car...or pay down your house. WTF?!?! If you can give me a healthy pregnancy and baby you can HAVE my Camry, I'll drive it to your house and walk home. In fact you can HAVE my house...or at least live in the basement. Really with all the things that I wish that I knew, I wish OTHER people knew more. I wish other people understood that we (the hubs and I) both have medical problems that need to be that need to be treated if we can ever hope to have a baby. I wish they knew that vacation was not the answer; it would be so much cheaper if we could spend a week on the beach and suddenly be knocked up! Speaking of money yes we have (and will continue) to spend more for IF than most other things in our lives (so far more than we spent on The Captain's CAR) and it isn't spending the money that bothers us. Not at all! I will give every material thing that I have for a baby, the thing that SUCKS about spending this money is that we may still not have a baby. We may spend 20G on an IVF cycle and still have nothing to show for it but a really expensive BFN. But for the chance at a baby, the gamble, the 1 shot we may have...we will turn our lives inside out...just for the CHANCE...so all the nay sayers can simply EFF OFF and butt out of our business.