Perspective

Ever have a time when you suddenly realize that things were not quite what you thought they were? When someone you thought had just kinda written you off or didn't care thought the same thing about you. Sometimes we can all be guilty of not looking at things from anything but our own perspective, and often times we are not seeing the whole picture. When I realized that I had hurt someone and that they thought I didn't care about them I felt really devastated. I also felt really hurt that they never said anything. I was disappointed in myself because I feel like I should have made a better effort to stay in communication. But ultimately its a two way street and they didn't make the effort either. Though it could also be my hormones talking who knows. Sometimes we all feel a little needy and I know right now I am, and extremely sensitive. I am hoping that as hormone production moves more to the placenta I might feel a little bit less delicate.

Survivor's Guilt

I have a serious case of survivor's guilt. I am sure it is perfectly normal after dealing with IF you feel so awful for the people that are still fighting the battle. I have the hardest time even walking into my RE's office for fear that the women there will just know. When we were there last week we were checking out and the nurse practiotioner we saw announced that I needed to fill out a release so that all my info could be sent over to our OB. I cringed instantly as there was a couple standing at the counter checking in. I instantly remember the jealousy and dislike for prego's that I had (honestly STILL have) and I just feel sick at making anyone feel that way. I swear when I get to be noticably pregnant (hooray I said when not if) I want to wear a shirt in public that says pregnany after infertility with my loss and time ttc stats on it. Of course I wouldn't REALLY do that, but anytime women see me I don't want them to get that "bitch, why not me" feeling. Someone very dear to me is struggling right now through the trenches of ttc and has recently suffered a chemical pregnancy. The pain I feel for her and the joy I feel for myself are the most peculiar of conflicting emotions I have ever felt. My heart breaks for her each and every cycle. It still does, though now I feel so ill equipped to offer consolation...being on the "other side"...I worry I will seem patronizing (though I KNOW she doesn't feel this way and it's my baggage). I think about posting things here on what I thought was my IF blog and has now become the ramblings of a crazed pregnant post IF person. It's really such an odd feeling for me to know that regardless of what the future brings right this moment I have a little tiny being growing in my uterus.

Progress is progress

So it's been a weekish since our first ultrasound. While we are becoming more excited we are still scared shitless. I think back to the pure joy of my 1st pregnancy, the absolute naivete that came along with it. Oh how I wish that I could have that back. But the fear is part of the package and I'm guessing it won't end any time soon. I still over analyze every tiny little thing and pray that the tiny little heart is still beating inside me. Most loss happens between 6-8 weeks which is why the RE does an ultrasound at 7 & 9 weeks. After 9 weeks you have a much better idea of viability (and they told us this several times at our visit, which I am sure accounts for a fair bit of the anxiety). My nausea has lessened a bit which I feel very conflicted about, knowing how normal it is for symptoms to fluctuate it still makes me uncomfortable. I seem to also be having some wonderful hormone induced anxiety attacks (which I am prone to anyway) and have been trying very hard to relax and keep these in check. While the reality that we just might be having a baby in 7 months is starting to sink in we are just really anxious for 1st tri to be over. I am enjoying every moment of this pregnancy as much as possible and would never want to rush it along, however, the "safety" of 2nd tri holds so much allure it is impossible not to long for it. The time that I can actually say "pregnant" without feeling my stomach lurch, and "baby" without feeling like it's something sour I have to spit out. We have announced to family and they are all very excited. They of course want to know when we are planning on starting to shop, plan, etc. We don't really have that answer but hopefully after week 12 we can really feel like we're "safe".

156

That was our magic number yesterday! Coolest thing ever was hearing that tiny speedy heartbeat. I would say it made me cry, but the waterworks started as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. The little parasite has clearly been siphoning more than their fair share as it was measuring 7w6d a full 6 days ahead of schedule. We have another ultrasound in 2 weeks and will be starting to tell family. I will be spending the next roughly 10 days in El Paso with my mother and there is no WAY she wouldn't figure it out anyway so we figure no time like the present. It is so strange the this tiny little critter really is in there and growing, keep up the good work!

Possibilities

Today is full of hope and possibilities. Dreams that could explode to new heights or crumble come tomorrow. The day I've been waiting for since that little pink line showed up and now I completely want to skip out on. If I don't go that means I get to stay pregnant regardless of the outcome. I'm terrified of bad news tomorrow, and the last few days I've struggled to feel like there could be good news coming. All day I have been on the verge of tears thinking about how to keep my shit together when my world comes crashing down. Sure logically I KNOW the odds of good news outweigh the odds of bad. But again, I've been here before. The simple excitement that comes with the news you have created life doesn't exist for me anymore. Pregnancy has become something scary where disappointment can be just around the corner. A place where you can see you deepest desire at an arms length and then it just fades away. I know that now or in the future these feelings are part of the package that now comes with reproduction in my world. Expecting the worst will by no means make bad news any easier if it comes...but its the only defense I have.

The calm after the storm

For me getting a bfp has always felt a little like the calm after the storm. I stop charting bbt, checking dates to see when to start opk, trying to remember the number of days in between the last round of "trying". And then it all stops, and there is nothing left to do but pray it sticks. Nothing you can do at this point will change your outcome. At this point only 1 date matters to me, a special day (13 days from now) where we get our 1st hint at the chance that this is really it. In the calm after the storm I pray harder for our rainbow, I picture that tiny beating heart and pray more. During the last 2 weeks (seriously that's ALL it's been?!) I have been so nervous to think too much about the little womb dweller, the little parasite that I am gladly letting siphon off of my nutrients. Somehow I feel like acknowledging how much I want this will  make the universe take it from me. I have been over analyzing every teeny tiny thing. Are my boobs still sore? Not as sore as yesterday? Why didn't I feel nauseous today? Why don't I feel any pulling/cramping today? The list could go on and on and on. Though my body is changing and it's impossible to ignore. My weight hasn't budged, but I can't button my pants. My bra's don't fit. I'm beat. I'm starving. I'm queasy. Yes changes, but I have been here before and I am simply afraid of losing the love I have for something so tiny that can barely even be seen. Please let these next 13 days pass quickly, or I may just lose myself a little to the madness.

What's the happs?

Man the last week has been quite the whirlwind. After getting a bfp and actually believing that this is actually IT life has been pretty good. The symptoms are starting to creep in; boobs are killing me, sooo tired, and extremely regular nausea. Now trust me I am NOT complaining about any of this, at the moment it gives me a sense of comfort that the little crablet is in there growing away...I will save my bitching for the discomfort of third tri...but right now it just is, and it's awesome. I will have my progesterone checked again on Monday just to be sure levels are still looking good then 1st ultrasound on March 22 (why yes it IS an eternity away!).

This last week my puppy went to be spayed and she also had her very floppy rear dew claws removed. I feel a little badly saying this but I take great humor in watching her giant cone head run around the back yard. She also killed my old laptop this week and I have now gotten a new one. It is bringing with it a bit of transition as it is a PC and I have been using a MAC for about 4 years. At the moment I am regretting my choice, but I know it is really just a transitional period...I'll make it. This weekend work also starts on the pumpkin patch! So excited! This year we are putting in a raised bed and fencing it in (to keep the dogs out and therefore pumpkins uneaten). We are hopeful that everything we plant will be 2nd generation from the patch that we grew last year. If you knew us IRL then you would know that pumpkins hold a special place in our heart. Last year was the 1st time we were able to have our own patch and it was very special to me as I spent so much time working in it while working through the pain of pregnancy loss. It was really important to me to save those seeds and nurture them again this year in memory of that time. I guess that's all the jumble I have for today...Have a great weekend!

2nd Beta!

232 14DPO, progesterone still looks great! 1st ultrasound at 7weeks on March 22...HOORAY!

Had to share my favorite pic!

Makes me SMILE!

Beta #1

My first Beta came back at a 60 (11dpo) and progesterone of 28...Nurse/Dr are very pleased. I will have a 2nd draw Monday as well as weekly progesterone checks. Oddly my internet cheapie tests have STILL not arrived so I will have about 100 hpt's *hopefully* that I wasted money on. Best $20 O ever wasted lol, and I don't even mind that I had to go buy hpt's at the drug store. Please God please let this be IT!!

Uterly Shocked

Yesterday someone very dear to my heart gave birth to her beautiful miracle baby. Today I saw such a perfect picture that touched my heart on such a deep level. In that instant all of my doubts about whether I can keep at this were gone. In that moment I knew that no matter what it takes or how long it takes I will have that pure love that you have for your child, the absolute awe at the perfection of such a tiny (and yet HUGE) miracle. As I send love to this new little family, I felt in my heart a re-birth of the strength I once had for this journey. Infertility is not for the faint of heart, it is the longest hardest journey I have ever been on. A journey when you can't see where the end is, when you never know if there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I wait for my prayers to be answered and, yet I don't know if the answers will be the ones that I hope for.

*********************

After writing the above this afternoon, I came home...caved and POAS. Amazingly my prayers have been answered and now I move on to praying that the 3rd time is the charm and that this little bug sticks with us. I have never been more in shock. While I may be new to blogland, I am not new to ttc or IF. This is an amazing blessing because without BFP I can never even have a shot at a rainbow baby. If you are the praying kind please send prayers my way and if not, positive energy.

2ww, 8dpo

On the short side of my 2ww, so ready for it to be over and moving on the the next cycle. I don't have good feelings at all about this cycle and I am ready to move on to a more positive cycle. I started prednisone Friday as my clotting panel came back all normal (YAY!). They said I could wait until next cycle to start, but I uh requested (demanded vehemently) that in the event that maybe sperm and egg decided to get down and party together that I wanted to be on the safe side. I won't be poas until next Monday to verify that I can stop prometrium. I have been trying to keep myself occupied during the last week which has been so much easier while working 50 hours a week. I have also been working on something for an upcoming baby shower (that's all I can say ;) gotta keep it a secret cuz mama's my bf *waves* (you know who you are). I'm hoping that it comes out the way I am envisioning...if it does I will post pics after it's been gifted. My hubs is out of town and my puppy sits in the window and pines for him; it's the saddest, cutest, funniest thing ever.

I finally got around to listening to the webinar replay from the natural fertility challenge. It was supposed to be a "wrap up" but what it was mostly an advertisement for her *very expensive* natural fertility program that is A. REALLY expensive (4G) and B. You have to apply and be accepted for because "she wants to be sure that she can help you get pregnant before taking your money. Really to me it seems like she wants to be sure to keep her success rates high so she won't accept anyone she thinks won't be able to make it happen. The WORST part was that in all of that she mentions that she's only doing it once this year because she'll be taking MATERNITY LEAVE!! Really you advertise to infertile couples by "taunting them" with your pregnancy. Frankly, I wish I hadn't listened to this...it completely changed my opinion about her. I still feel like there was a lot of wonderful information in the fertility challenge but the webinar just really turned me off...but...maybe it was just me.

Fertility Challenge Wrap UP

Day 11: Is this fertility killer lurking in your bedroom? Why yes, it is. It is radiation...which comes from anything that plugs in. Frankly I don't know how I feel about this. It really doesn't seem feasible to me to nix everything that plugs in from my bedroom.

Day 12: Pest Control. Don't use poisonous chemicals to kill critters. While we don't really have much of a pest problem we employ the squish or puppy snack method. Totally non-toxic~

Day 13: The "Elixir of Life": any guesses as to what this is?! But not just any water, filtered water. Specifically you want a carbon filter that filters out far better than what we but at most stores and needs to be purchased from a specialty shop. Hm, I don't even know how to go about finding one of these. I do use a "standard" filter but apparently this isn't getting water clean enough. Must research!

Day 14 was just a recap of everything else...lame. So I will use this space to update you on the things that I have started doing differently since the beginning of this challenge. On day 1 of this challenge I started looking in to other "personal care" alternatives. Attempting not to put anything on my body that I wouldn't want IN my body. Our skin is our largest organ and everything we put on it goes IN. I have been "poo" (shampoo) free for 14 days. I have instead been using baking soda and water to clean my hair. My scalp is feeling better and now that my hair is adjusting it is looking much better. I had been using apple cider vinegar (diluted) to condition but it made my hair greasy. I am now using a mixture of strongly brewed tea infused with chamomile and rosemary, lemon juice, and honey. This has been working SO much better. Today is also day 14 of using honey as a facial cleanse and astoundingly I think it has made my skin look better and cleared up acne better than the expensive cleansers I've tried. I have been using coconut oil as moisturizer and have discovered that the puppy is completely obsessed with coconut oil and goes batshit crazy when she smells it.

I got VD

Valentines Day always reminds me of the year that The Captain bought me giant microbes for Valentines Day. He thought he was a riot for giving me "VD" as gave gave me chlamydia and mono. Very funny and very us. We love to do silly crap. So on this day O' love I always like to remind people always embrace their own special brand of love. We have never been much into celebrating Valentine's Day but it is nice with so much bad in the world to have a day where people (largely) are sharing love.

In other news I had the labs re-drawn today (again!) for my thrombophilia panel that the lab can't manage to run properly so I am *hoping* to get the results by the end of the week. I will soon post the final installment of the natural fertility challenge as I had most of a post typed and somehow deleted it. OOPS! Hope you all have/had a LOVELY ;) day!

Fertility Challenge D8-10

Day 8: “Why do I have to change my lifestyle when my cousin, sister, friends, or whoever drinks smokes, does drugs, etc. and they can get pregnant without even trying?”

 

 My opinion is that you just do. When you are trying to accomplish something and what you are doing isn't working, you have to change it. So the only thing left for me to change is lifestyle. Some people are more sensitive to things than others and what works for one doesn't always work for all.Some people have more general inflammation than others and some people are more fertile. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do kids.

Day 9: Harvard Medical School reveals the #1 fertility killer. This 1 thing can decrease your fertility about 78% according to their studies. In fact studies all around tell us that it shortens your life and expands your waist line. It's a killer plain and simple; we all know it but often still ingest it. TRANS FAT! This is no surprise and while I do my best to avoid trans fat it is really easy to get into the habit of grabbing something quick to munch at the drive thru. So, I am going to focus on not eating anything I order from a microphone box (no cheating by going inside!). If I need something fast I will find other alternatives. 

Day 10: These 3 foods are NOT part of your peak fertility diet; soy, gluten, dairy. I already don't eat soy. That stuff is thyroid poison and all but the fermented type is nasty bad for you anyway (in my opinion). Oddly, even feeling this way about soy once of the things I tried in desperation was large doses as a form of "natural clomid" (actually did this on my 1st BFP cycle). As for the gluten and dairy, here's the scoop. "Gluten which can decrease a woman’s ovulation potential and possibly trigger the immune system (which increases the chance of miscarriage).  Gluten is found in most grains so you need to let go of bread and pasta for now."...."dairy which can be mucus-forming.  A problem occurs when dairy causes mucus to develop where it shouldn’t be.  For instance, it can help create mucus in the fallopian tubes and cause blockages". Here are my thoughts. Dairy I don't believe affects me this way. I have had 2 pregnancies so I know my tubes are clear of excess mucus and additionally the idea that dairy produces excess music is not well documented. So for now I keep my dairy. Gluten...oh delicious gluten. Now I am know to have elevated levels of inflammation (can often be caused by gluten sensitivity) and an autoimmune condition so for me and the research I have done it makes sense to do away with gluten. Now if you peeps know me irl you may know that The Captain has tested out going gluten free several times and we are rather familiar with it...and how hard it is. But for me right now it seems like it is worth giving gluten free a test run. So sadly I bid adieu to gluten for the time being. I think I will have them check my inflammation markers in a few months to see if there is any change.

Fertility Challenge D7 & tidbits

Day7: How to move your body to "fall" pregnant. First, fall pregnant has always been a strange phrase to me. Second, I need to be moving my body. We all know that it is imperative for health and therefore fertility to move our bums (especially when trying to fight the chub!). But it is so much easier said than done. She recommends 40 mins daily of moderate exercise. For me a few months ago I started exercising really vigorously for a few weeks and didn't ovulate during that time...so I quit. LAME! But I KNOW that I need to be getting in some activity and will start. I wish I had taken advantage of the 7 months that I was minimally employed. Now I have a full-time job in addition to my part time and will be working 10 hour days 5 days a week. Fitting in exercise will be hard...I can't get up earlier than 5 (which I will be for work) so I must do after work. I am going to start with 3 days a week...2 of them being the weekend and work up from there.

Tidbits:
The Captain is really struggling the last few months with feeling inadequate. I hate that he feels this way, and don't know how I can help him not feel like it is "his fault". Really it is just as much "my fault"; but really it is no one's fault, it just IS.

I am really worried about how the puppy will do when I am not home with her nearly all the time. The old man has also gotten very used to my being home and I am very heartbroken to have to leave my doggies home and go off to work.

I wonder if I will O this cycle, I know often times with a cyst people don't. (I hate Mr. Hyde!!)

My brother and sis in law are already talking about having another baby. My niece is only 7 months old! My SIL recently deployed and will return in about 6 months. I am sure that she will be knocked up as soon as she comes back. I adore my niece and my SIL wants nothing to do with her, which is heartbreaking. I don't get why she wants another baby and I am just sure she'll probably get pregnant before me...again.

Fertility Challenge D4-6

Day 4: How fluoride is killing your fertility. This was new to me and this is what I found the most interesting "Did you know… up until the 1970’s European doctors used fluoride to reduce the activity of over-active thyroid patients with doses as low as 2mg/day". Now as someone with not only hypothyroid (controlled) but also a body that thinks my thyroid is evil and should die this is somewhat alarming. As I am not one to blindly accept things this is something that I will be doing a TON of research on as time permits. While in theory I am amicable to using a fluoride free toothpaste, I am not willing to drink only bottled water without fluoride added and I am not yet sure I am willing to forgo the bi-annual fluoride treatments from my dentist. As for The Captain, there is ZERO chance that I would even ask him to give up fluoride. He has severely bad teeth and as we all know dental problems that start small and turn big very quickly, and a very closely ties with heart health. Regardless of toothpaste use the things we can both do include drinking filtered water (which we do) and using other oral hygiene products (ie:mouthwash) sans fluoride. Again this is something I plan to research more and will keep you posted if I change my mind about this.

Day 5: The 4 fertility tests you probably don't know about. These were not a surprise to me and being that we had the FULL battery of IF testing done I figured we were pretty good on this front. To give you the rundown they: Thyroid function and thyroid antibodies, FSH, high vaginal swab and semen analysis. The only test that I have not had performed is the high vaginal swab. This is because our Dr believes that it is a waste of time and money and prefers to just treat prophylactically with antibiotics in the event that there is an infection underlying in either partner; including something that would be undetected by a vaginal swab.

Day 6: A simple test to do at home for your "thyroid". Now really this will not tell you if your thyroid is out of whack but it WILL tell you if you need more iodine in your diet. You use iodine to put a spot on your arm and wait to see how long it takes to fade. Don't wash it off or shower while waiting. I know that this test will likely show that I need more iodine, I have the "spot" on right now and will report back the results. If it takes less than 24 hours your need more iodine, more than or equal to your levels are good.

Fertility Challenge D2-3

Day 2 was yesterday and as expected the Challenge involved self care products. Basically chuck everything toxic. I would say right now about 50% of what I use is non-toxic and all natural. Up until about 3 or 4 months ago that was probably about 98%. This has really changed because of 2 things: Finances and effectiveness. I DO believe that parabens, phalates etc are toxic to your health and are known carcinogens. A lot of the things that I changed about 2 years ago were very focused on staying away from carcinogens (ya know that whole I don't my cancer to pop back up thing). Unfortunately the non-toxic products that are available either don't work or are far too expensive. I do really try to minimize the toxins in my products but haven't yet found a way to be perfect with it. I already have switched to a good healthy make-up line and many of my products are non-toxic as well. So, for this challenge I will focus again on things I might be able to make myself that will be effective, inexpensive and non-toxic. I have an interest in skin care and such so this will be fun for me.

Day 3...What is the question you are asking yourself that could be hurting your fertility and what 3 questions should you be asking that may help your fertility. These boil down to why, what, who and how. We should NOT be asking ourselves why, we SHOULD be asking ourselves what, who, how. These seem rather self evident but it's always good to have a reminder. It is not going to do any good to ask (or whine) about the why. Why me, why do I have to do this, why is this so hard etc etc. It just is my reality and for the most part I have accepted that. I do sometimes wonder why I am not pregnant and the teen crack whore is but frankly it doesn't matter. There are not a certain number of pregnancies allowed in the world at 1 time...so someone else being pregnant does not affect my chances of pregnancy. Instead we "should" try and focus on what, who, how. What can we do to change where we are, how can we help ourselves be closer to our goals, who can help us get there. Lately I am trying to be more in the mindset of let's fix what we can then having the pity mobile pop by. This is of course a process and today's challenge has reminded me of it's importance. So here are the things that I am doing to try and focus on the what, how, who.

1. Daily fertility meditations
2. Eating a healthy diet/moderate exercise
3. Taking all the "pills" my RE recommends
4. Have finally secured full time employment to help save and pay for treatments
5. Seeing a top notch RE
6. Try to focus on other ways to make myself happy that I CAN control
7. I'm sure there are more BUT this is a good list for now.

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde

First  we'll talk about Dr. Jekyll...aka my left ovary. He's very well mannered, never causes problems and produces eggs every month (like a good ovary is supposed to). Once he made 4 beauties with the help of a little clomid. Then we have Mr. Hyde...my right ovary. He is ill tempered, never produces follies (even when asked) and most recently he has decided to EFF with my plans by bringing me a beautiful 20mm cyst. He causes nothing but trouble and I'm sure the good Dr tries to control him but to no avail. So, thanks to this guy our plan for this cycle has been quickly chucked out the window and we'll be doing things all naturally. Sadly, my dear husband no longer has the option of gifting me spunk in a cup for Valentine's day...I suppose he still could but now it would just be weird! So, I'll start OPK on the 10th knowing I will likely ovulate slightly later than my natural cycle norm due to residual clomid. Now let's all cheer on the good Dr and pray he grows me the perfect egg this month.

CD1, Fertility Challenge day 1

So we have finally moved on to another cycle, I so hate when you know it's coming and are left waiting. Also today is day 1 of the natural fertility challenge. So, you might be asking yourself what is on the docket for the next (approx ) 28 days. Tomorrow I get to go in and peek at my ovaries (cue emo breakdown), The Captain and I both start Z-pak (part of the RPL protocol we're on), Clomid 50mg CD 5-9, CD12 finds me yet again romancing the vag cam, and if previous cycles are to be believed I may spend Valentines day being injected with tiny swimmers. What a gift! Please honey all I want for V day is for you to deposit your spunk in this cup (cue sitcom laugh track). Also, we are waiting for the results of my thrombophilia (clotting) panel to determine if I will be on prednisone. Frankly, I hope in a week or so to be starting prednisone because it means I have no clotting disorder and will not need daily lovenox injections when I finally manage to become pregnant again. Dieting while on prednisone...yeah sounds super....but I don't really mind because it means we may actually be able to hold on to our next pregnancy!

Day 1 of the natural fertility challenge and our task is to clean out all the toxic household products and replace them with non-toxic natural products. About 2 years ago we switched to using all non-toxic cleaning products. I did still have a few things that I held on to for absolutely zero reason as I haven't touched them in 2 years. I was reminded today by the video that even just having those things in your home allows them to seep chemicals into the air that you breathe and slowly they poison you. I took the opportunity to clean out our "under sink area" and tossed everything that was just sitting in there and not being used. We now only have 1 toxic cleaning product, our stainless steel cleaner, because ALL of the natural options I have tried SUCK and we have all stainless in our kitchen. I did opt to store said cleaner in our garage which is detached and does not share air with our home. I am presuming that in the coming days the challenge will include doing the same with beauty products and switching to organics for edibles...both of which I have largely done but we'll discuss when those topics pop up.

Ravings of an infertile grump

I wish I knew so many things; primarily how hard it would be to get pregnant and carry a baby. How early in life it is possible to have your fertility rapidly decline. How painful it would be to want something more than anything else in all the world and have no control over getting it. That struggling to conceive would impact every single thing I you do every moment of every day. That my life would be lived in 2 week sections of time for well over a year. That an obsession I once found rather exciting now terrifies me. That I would develop a mild form of ptsd when it comes to ultrasounds.

 

Maybe these aren't all things that I WISH I knew, but they are sure as hell things I have learned (and oh so many more). Sadly, it's true that I have a panic attack every single time I have to have the vag cam done. Last year when we discovered during our 1st ultrasound that we had lost our wee one something in me changed. Something that I had looked so forward to became one of the most tragic events in my life. And now ever time I have to go in for the vag cam (which is A LOT when you are doing monitored cycles) my heart races, I can hardly breathe, I am nauseated and on the verge of tears. I used to be CRAZY excited to POAS (I know weird) but now on the mornings that I take hpt's I really do it more to prove to myself there is no cause for excitement or wondering. Up to this point I have always been an early "I HAVE to know!" tester. I'm not anymore...if I didn't HAVE to because of my need for prometrium I don't think I would EVER take another hpt. I think after 2 losses I am almost as scared for it to be BFP as BFN. There is no doubt that TTC has changed me, an not at all for the better. Some of you (if anyone is reading) may not have even known me before ttc, some of you may wonder why I have become the angry bitter person that I am (though certainly no one that has ever had trouble conceiving). Many of you may have infants, be pregnant or still be building your families. I pray that you have never known this pain, this overwhelming emptiness, the feeling a defeat and despair every single cycle when the bloody bitch rears her head.

 

I have developed a sick sense of who I feel "deserves" a child and who doesn't. I have people from both sides of that list in my life daily. Chances are that if you are reading this you are on my list of people that I deem worthy of your children (but know this certainly isn't a guarantee lol). I try so hard when I see people that are pregnant or have babies that I don't know to not hate them. Usually just seeing a pregnant belly at the store is enough to ruin my day. As much as I wouldn't wish this on anyone I can hardly stand that other people are pregnant and I'm not. How sick is that? I am so tired of people saying that once I have kids I will regret it and wonder why I tried so hard. Or even better that if I can't have kids that it means that it isn't God's will. Really? Because God looked at me and decided I would be such a horrible mother that he rendered me infertile and/or took my babies when they were only weeks inside me. Or that God always decides when the perfect time is? Really? Is that why a meth junkie can have 3 perfectly healthy beautiful babies and I have none because it was the perfect time for her to get knocked up and let yet another addicted little baby be born to a mother than didn't want it. Oh no wait...I'm supposed to relax right; take a vacation?! Yes because somehow vacation will miraculously rejuvenate my ovaries, get rid of my autoimmune disease and change the size and shape of The Captain's swimmers. Oh don't waste all that money that way, you can buy a new car...or pay down your house. WTF?!?! If you can give me a healthy pregnancy and baby you can HAVE my Camry, I'll drive it to your house and walk home. In fact you can HAVE my house...or at least live in the basement. Really with all the things that I wish that I knew, I wish OTHER people knew more. I wish other people understood that we (the hubs and I) both have medical problems that need to be that need to be treated if we can ever hope to have a baby. I wish they knew that vacation was not the answer; it would be so much cheaper if we could spend a week on the beach and suddenly be knocked up! Speaking of money yes we have (and will continue) to spend more for IF than most other things in our lives (so far more than we spent on The Captain's CAR) and it isn't spending the money that bothers us. Not at all! I will give every material thing that I have for a baby, the thing that SUCKS about spending this money is that we may still not have a baby. We may spend 20G on an IVF cycle and still have nothing to show for it but a really expensive BFN. But for the chance at a baby, the gamble, the 1 shot we may have...we will turn our lives inside out...just for the CHANCE...so all the nay sayers can simply EFF OFF and butt out of our business.

Got 14 days?

A few weeks ago on 1 of the many "natural fertility" sites I follow I saw a little snippet for a free 14 day fertility challenge. Of course they don't really give you a whole lot of information but essentially is gets you on the path of leading a fertility friendly lifestyle. Knowing the RE was going to tell us we really should be doing IVF/ICSI like uh NOW. I figure it is time to do the 1 last thing that I have in my arsenal of things to try...eating a better diet and taking off excess weight. These 2 things will help our natural chances but also, if we do get to where we are doing IVF because of the cost (both $ and emotional) we MUST make it count, we MUST do everything we can to increase our chances of success. And by we mostly it means me because I am where a baby will live so I need to make a nice cozy inviting house so one will decide to stay a while. So this challenge starts February 1 and will likely coincide pretty closely with the start of my cycle. Why not right?! Not like it can HURT. At worst some free useless information, at best free helpful information.

Update from the RE

  January 4th was the day that we finally had our 1st consultation with the RE. To give a little bit of history in May I was diagnose with progesterone deficiency/luteal phase defect; in September the Captain was diagnosed with severely depressed sperm parameters. Shortly after the sucktastic SA we started the hubs on clomid in the hopes that it beef up his boys. January was when he was due for his recheck. So back to the RE. We we pleasantly surprised that we had a magnificent increase in sperm parameters...we are nowhere near normal but we'll take any improvement.

  Unfortunately we have also been diagnosed with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) along with our MFI (male factor infertility) and that coupled with my autoimmune disorder is certainly not making things easy. I will very likely soon be starting a delightful regime of prednisone to help my body not ward off any embryo that we DO manage to make. The breakdown of our chances for conception are rather abysmal:Naturally 1-3%, IUI 5-10%, IVF 35-50%...yeah even our chances with IVF are greatly reduced. Anyone have A LOT of money they aren't using that they want to send our way? I told dh that we should tell our families that if they want visitation that have to put down a cash deposit; it seems fair to me.

  So basically the plan this month is the same as last, hopefully with better results. But I will call the Dr's office once the wicked bitch shows up and get "things" scheduled and in motion.

Nothing like sex ed

  You have 1 unprotected sexual encounter and you get knocked up right?! Simple. That's what they told us in health class. So you you decide you want to have a baby and you follow these steps: 1. Throw away your birth control 2. Hump like bunnies 3. 2 weeks later you pee on a stick and you see that glorious 2nd pink line 4. 9ish months later you say "honey it's time" 5. Off you go to the hospital to painlessly have your baby.
 
  But then you slowly discover that the 2nd line doesn't always show up. In fact each cycle there is only a 25% chance that a "young" (we'll get to that later),  healthy couple has about a 25% chance of conceiving each cycle. And that's with perfectly timed intercourse. WTF?! An egg and a sperm have 1 job in life and only manage to do it about 25%...or less...of the time. If I only showed up to work 25% of the time I would get fired! Besides that I have a much better work ethic than to only work a quarter of the time. Granted I spend plenty of time with other "distractions" BUT I digress. In reality the steps go a little more like this: 1. Toss your birth control 2. Hump like bunnies 3. Pee on a stick and see 1 sad lonesome line 4. Repeat step 3 daily  5. Get your #@$*!% period 6. Repeat step 3 claiming implantation bleeding. Now that is just the 1st cycle; after than you get a little more crazy. You claim you are letting nature take it's course all the while secretly peeing on OPK's to detect when your body decides to pop that glorious egg. Then you repeat all these steps...again and again and again.

  The reality of TTC is so much different that I ever thought that it would be, and the longer your journey the harder it gets. You learn that your fertility starts to decline after the age of 20. You have the heartbreaking realization that a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean you get a baby; that not bleeding doesn't mean your pregnancy is healthy. Your heart breaks with every baby bump you see, every stroller that passes you on the street. The months tick by and you wonder what you ever did wrong that EVERYONE else is pregnant but YOU'RE not.  First your sad, then you're angry, then you try and take control.